Thirty Days of Rejection – Days 8 – 9

When rejection wasn’t talking, obsession was. Here and there another one showed up – idolatry. He just walked past, smiled and asked, “Remember me? Yeah, I’m still here.” Together, the three invaded her dreams during the second week. On day eight, the day before the core set aside the next round of focused prayers, a new dream formed. Slumber came back to do his job, which was putting her asleep. This dream was different; it wasn’t a church setting. A few blocks down from Senior’s church lived one of his most faithful members of who was related to her pastor. Directions were easy – first street on the left past the church, turn left, go down the street until you hit his and turn right. His house was the one with the white van that happened to be the first out of the cul-de-sac loop.

 

The driveway was off to the side of the house, there was a sidewalk from the driveway to the door and two stone steps up to the screen door. Behind the screen was a typical wooden door. Right behind the door, on the inside of the house, was a love seat. Past the love seat was the bathroom and a hallway formed from there. The core never went into the hallway but she knew off to the left, behind the walls, were the bedrooms. Just as the hallway went to the left, there was space for a wall on the right. If there was another room like a closet, it was unknown to her for she never went that deep into the house. In front of the wall was a couch and the living room tapered off into the kitchen and dining area. Before the rooms melded together, there was another chair in the living room that rested next to the entrance into the dining area. The only part that mattered in the dream was the large table, the crowded chairs in the small space, and the computer in the corner next to the table. She didn’t see much of the kitchen in real life which didn’t matter for her dream life.

 

This family member of Pastor’s happened to be quite a bit taller, a little huskier, and about 50 shades darker. It truly showed how light skinned her pastor was when he stood around his cousin. As a teenager she had seen mixed children and wondered what their child would look like. She watched as the mixed kids would hang around with the black kids in Mississippi and she wondered when they hooked up, what their children would look like. Her pastor was the prime example of what happened. Enough white in the child to rob them of a dark black skin tone and enough black in them to have the physical features. His hair was a black man’s hair and his nose was a black man’s nose. He had black man’s eyes as far as color was concerned. Compared to his taller cousin, however, he was borderline white. The ones who were closely intimate, such as family and close friends, all had a nickname for him when they wanted to be mean in a joking manner.

 

In the dream, elder Michael was sitting in the corner chair in the dining area. He was on the computer when the core walked into the room. She sat down and they had talked about some things when the ordained one walked in. Delighted that her mother was there, her tone of voice elevated to another octave as she continued to talk. Quickly into the rest of the conversation with him, the ordained one spoke and completely shut down the core. She was frustrated that she was there. Even though the core did not come to see her but him, she was still frustrated at her presence in the house. The core was sitting at the end with her back towards the kitchen, and the ordained one sat down to her right side with her back towards the window. It was like a flashback since they were in that seating scenario once before. They all sat, talked, and laughed until things shifted. Her mother started writing notes down as she talked to the elder. When the core looked at her mom, she said to keep talking to him because as they were talking she was hearing from God. This dream was almost exactly like that, minus her writing notes down because of hearing from God.

 

Being fussed at, the Core turned to look into the living room. She had just shifted into a hallucination. Knowing that the ordained one was on her left, sitting at the dining table, she still saw her on the couch. This hallucination did not completely consume her; it was just enough to get away from the fussing. On the couch, the fake ordained one beckoned for the core to come and sit next to her. She answered by getting up and sitting on the couch. What she did not know was that the elder was able to see everything she could see. He had a confused look on his face when he saw two of the same woman.

 

“Devil is a lie” was his response. He turned to the real one and said “Shhh, there’s two of you. I’m seeing what she see’s and she see’s you on the couch.”

 

“But I’m right here.” Her hands partially went up and she shrugged her shoulders signifying her confusion as well. She motioned to stand up and elder put his hand up like a traffic cop does when he motions to stay. With that, she sat back down and waited as he continued to watch.

 

Lie your head down on my lap. That’s what I hear from the Lord. He’s saying that you’re hurting so much from your childhood. Don’t question, just lie your head down on my lap.” Without question, the core obeyed and lied her head down but propped it up with her hands. To an outsider, it looked like she was lying down and her hands were a pillow.

 

“Now I understand what he meant when I asked him why he put his hands underneath his head when he laid it in my lap.”

 

He who?” The hallucination version of the ordained one sounded confused. “His” name was spoken and the core spoke on who this man was. She spoke on how he was a part of her past and spoke more on him. There were things that went on with him that she had rather forgotten.

 

After a while, the core became uncomfortable so she sat up, moved to sitting on the floor and leaned her head backwards as if leaning it on the ordained one’s knees. She wanted to keep the comfort going from the halfway hallucination. The moment she changed positions was the moment the fake one changed and elder Michael could now hear what was being spoken.

 

“Audri why are you still in this state? You know what you need to do and you won’t do it. Why are you still so disobedient? I keep telling you that you should be further than this. You should at least have a steady prayer life but you don’t. Want to know how I know? I know because of how you are right now, you’re lazy and you won’t do what’s right. How many times do I have to keep telling you to change? I’ve told you that you don’t want it; that you just lie about wanting it. I shouldn’t have to keep fussing at you to get it right. What do you have against doing the right things? You even know that I’m a hallucination and the real me is over there behind that wall and your still talking to me. Why? Why are you allowing the devil talk to you like he is?” The core shut down.

 

Elder Michael just laughed. “Sis Elizabeth she knows you good. As soon as my ears opened up to hear what she hears…the fake you sounds exactly like the real you.” He started to relate to the ordained one what the hallucination was speaking. The dream ended and the core woke back up to her surroundings. She was cold and she wanted to scream but could not. Despite being a dream, elder was right. A year and three months is a long time to be spending with someone. It was a long time to learn her way of speaking, her way of thinking, and her vocabulary. Many times she had asked the core “why do you let the devil talk to you?” Every time she was asked, the core wanted to respond but didn’t.

 

“I let him because at least he does talk to me. Mom you’re not around all the time to talk to me. You’re not around at all now and he is. I don’t have you to talk to, I can’t hear from God to talk to him and it feels like I’m talking to empty air. No one else will spend a lot of time on the phone with me so what else am I supposed to do? Even though its with tormenting thoughts and lies, at least he talks to me. At least sometimes I get to think about how I want our relationship to be and yes I know you too well to even warp you into a nicer person. I can’t even have a nice dream where you are nice to me. Should really stop calling you mom, you made it clear that you don’t want to be my mother. You lied to God when you said you would step in the place of being one. It’s been made clear that you have no intention of ever being a mother or ever seeking him to help you be one to me.”

 

After hearing the conversation between the hallucination and the core, the ordained one stood up from her seat in the dining area and walked over to the living room. The core moved for her loved one to sit down and she sat down exactly where the fake one was. There was silence for a moment and the ordained one told the core to lay her head back down, right on her knees, just like she was before she sat. Instantly the core shifted. She freaked out and her body twisted into that like a demon. Her torso was close to the floor, her neck grew in length so she could look up, and her arms shortened. The legs bent like a cricket as much as was humanly possible. She hollered, shouted, and hissed. Going through her mind was the second time she was truly rejected by the ordained one. That one part in the phone call where she said she would never hang out with her again just kept ringing in her ears. The fact the core was over at her dwelling place, and the two were hanging out, was against her word. Time and time again the ordained one told the core that she never said what she did not mean. If she said something, even in anger, she meant it.

 

The alarm went off to wake up her body for work. On the way to work she cried out bitterly to the Lord. “God I’m frustrated about how I’m so obsessed with her. Please help me, deliver me. I want to be able to pray over something and someone other than her. I hate this. I’m tired of the hurt, I’m tired of the pain, and I’m tired of being obsessed with her. Please explain to me why I love her so much. Why did you put a love for her in my heart when you knew she was going to reject me? I didn’t love her in the beginning so why now? Deliver me I beg in Jesus name. Even take this love for her from me. I ask that you take it out of my heart. She’s rejected me, she doesn’t love me, she doesn’t want me, and I still desire her. It’s clear she’ll never be my mother and because of idolatry I’m still chasing her. Father I understand “love covers a multitude of sin”. After all that she treats me, after her rejecting me, I forgive her and I want her to accept me. Help me to let her go. Father please help. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.” There was a peace that she hadn’t felt for a while. It was as if something had lifted and the core was able to go to work, not weighed down like usual.

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~ by davisddesigns on July 3, 2015.

 
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