Thirty Days of Rejection – Days 2 – 5

When it came time to go home, she sped home to fix breakfast before focusing on her first prayer in the day. It didn’t take long to cook her eggs and it took even less time to eat them. After consuming her protein, she focused on the song and on prayer. In prayer she started to quote the scriptures she looked up concerning rejection, she covered parental rejection with peer rejection, lastly she covered the ordained one’s rejection. What she was most concerned about was dealing with the Lord desiring her. By the end of prayer, she experienced an uplifting because she had gained some security in the Lord’s love for her. Many prayers before that, she had sought after security in him loving her. It wasn’t enough that she knew he loved her based on everyone else telling her. Nor was it enough that he said he loved her by everyone else. She wanted the security in not only him loving her but also wanting her.

 

This new day of hers was a church day. After the prayer, crying and weeping over the ordained one’s rejection and seeking for the Lord’s adoption, she went to sleep. As usual on a Friday, she woke up early enough to eat, brush her teeth and take a shower all in time for church. If she had a message to burn on a disk, which she usually did, she even included that in her time. Even though she woke up in time, events happened to cause her to arrive late at church. The rest of the members were in praise before she stepped foot on the property. That, to her, meant they had already done the prayer and the scripture reading, which was a disappointment. There was no care for the scripture reading but the teddy bear aspiring missionary was anointed in prayer. It had reached the place that the Lord had showed up frequently during prayer and he stayed through the praise service. Just about everyone else had testified yet she had none to give. No joy was present in her life to cause her to testify. Even though the ordained one had shown back up, the relationship was different due to the rejection a few months prior. She refused to open back up like she had previously been due to fear of being rejected again. Her mind had already done the calculations and the math as to who it had to be to try her. Only one person could hurt her enough with rejection to pose as a trial and that was the ordained one. Service prolonged to the point of only being able to stay for roughly half an hour’s worth of preaching. Most of the time when the pastor preached about love she was void of understanding. It was meaningless to her but this time he spoke about the ordained one and her. He even specifically stated “don’t ask me who and I’m doing this for a reason”. After he mentioned pride and how he was so proud he couldn’t hear, the core automatically knew he was speaking about them. Her attention latched onto the message only because he spoke about the ordained one inside of a love message. The core wanted to hear the whole thing but had to leave. She waited until she got in the car before she started to weep. Not even a block away she started to cry with a loud voice that she wanted to stay. Listening to the message on disk was not the same as staying in person. She especially wanted to stay for the alter call that work robbed her of that night. Driving to work consisted mostly of crying about leaving service.

 

Because her pastor said “don’t ask who and I’m doing this for a reason”, she knew she could not tell the ordained one. The core wanted to even share the message with her so she could hear what was spoken but she knew not to. Sharing that message would start another dispute between the ordained one and her pastor. Afterwards it would all come back to her as a rebuke for she knew the ordained one’s behavior towards a situation like that. Her pastor would even come back and rebuke her in some form or fashion and she did not want to suffer his. Wisely she kept her mouth shut but she thought on it. She dwelled on it, that obsessive spirit grabbed a hold of it and ran with it. He ran around her chained self, inside that maze of a mind, with a joy only to stop to push the play button. He laughed in her face when his finger pushed play on that isolated section of the message. Both her inner and outer self cried to what she heard over and over again. Her outer body even prayed for the ordained one and prayed for mercy over her. She knew how one section of the mother’s future was going to be and she did not want that to happen. Knowing how badly she hurt the one she now loved, based on what the ordained one told her, she did not want to hear or see her suffer anymore. The last prayer of the third day for rejection, she dedicated to the ordained one and focused on the rejection she suffered from her.

 

“Father she left me. She promised she would never leave me, never give up on me, and she still left. In the beginning she said she would work with me until I said I quit and I wanted to quit a few times but I never did. I never told her that I wanted her to stop working with me but she still left. Why put us together when you knew she would do this? More so, why open me up to love her when you knew she would leave? I don’t understand. Please heal me of this hurt Lord in Jesus mighty name. And in his name I pray, amen.”

 

It was a long night at work, depressed about the little bit of the message she did hear and depressed about missing most of it. Hurt that everyone kept the praise and testimony service going until 9 pm. Upset about the situation with the ordained one all night long. The core’s body was hurting from standing for so long to the point of having to take medication for it. She hated taking pills, despised taking pain medication, but was forced to in an effort to relieve the torture her body was going through. To her dismay, she had taken so much in the past three months that she had built up a tolerance and had to take an extra pill now. The count for ibuprofen went up to five and for alieve it went up to three. Her newer shoes were comfortable but it was not enough to offset the whole impact of standing for eight hours.

 

After work she went home and went to sleep for half an hour. The alarm was set for 7:30 am as if she was off the night before. She did not want to sleep through the fifth day of her new instructions. A heavy weight hit her during that time. It was so severe, she felt as if the past three days had not existed at all.

 

Lying on the left side of her bed she cried in prayer and prayed “Lord I give everything back to you. I give all the promises back, all the prophecies back, all your love back, I give back the hope for the holy ghost, I give all my security in you back, I give my future back to you. I give my desires back, I surrender everything back over to you father in Jesus name.” The core had something the previous three days that was stolen that day. She didn’t know what but she felt rejection beating on her heart again.

 

“He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want you. You’re going to be left behind when everyone else is elevated. Everyone else has the Holy Ghost and you can’t receive it. He doesn’t want you to have it, that’s why you’re not baptized yet. Can’t you see he is purposely withholding it from you? Look at how easily I make you hurt because you can’t feel loved. You know its Mothers Day now and you have no mother actually there to celebrate with. She doesn’t want you, neither of them do. You force yourself upon the pastor’s wife and for all you know she just tolerates you.”

 

As rejection was talking, so was God. He gave her a portion of a song that she remembered hearing. She didn’t remember the title but she remembered it on the radio. This particular song was actually one she wanted to skip all the time because it wasn’t “up beat” like the ones she preferred. She hated that song but right then and there, the lyrics that she hated the most were what ministered to her. In regret she wanted that song but didn’t listen to it enough to know how it went so when the song kept playing in her mind, it wasn’t consistent. It went from “he loves you. Jesus loves you” to “he loves me oh he loves me” back and forth. That made it difficult for her to remember the title because that part was the title. The melody and how the words sounded is what she remembered more than the actual song itself.

 

At church the song kept playing in her mind. She was singing along to praise and worship but God had the playback device this time, not obsession. Play kept being pushed as if he wanted it down in her that he loved her. Missionary was up but the core was not paying attention to what she was speaking. She was waiting on the alter call because she needed something. The trauma of feeling like the past three days were stolen hurt as if she had another void in her heart.

 

Come on sis. I want to be prayed for. I need something prophetic to help me. I’m actually searching for a prophetic word. Usually I don’t search and I run with what I’m given. I’ve waited all week for this since I wasn’t able to Friday. Still hurting from Friday too. Plus I can’t get this song out of my head. Can’t remember who sings it either though the voice is familiar. Please let the alter call be better than the rest of this message. It hurts that you’re speaking about a transition, a shift in the atmosphere, how everyone is going to be elevated and moved to a higher place. All of you are growing in God and I seem to be stuck. Everyone says I’ve grown but I always see that I’m stuck. I need encouragement. Tell me something like everything is going to be ok if you have to. I’m scared all of you will move to such a higher place in the new season and I’ll be left behind, left alone.

 

Her outer self was eager yet her inner self was still chained to that heart. Even the core desired something new, something refreshing; something different. The core looked and listened as well as all the guards. Everything in the labyrinth paused for this moment and watched the sky. The sky held the visual information of what was going on with the outside world; a huge screen of vision like eyesight to the outer body.

 

Alter came and the missionary prayed for everyone accordingly as to who came up. She gave prophetic word to the praise leader and she “fell out” in the spirit. When Audri showed up, the missionary asked her what it was that she wanted from the Lord. In that split second disappointment and frustration began to move in on the core. She had desired a word, not being asked what she wanted. Audri replied with how she was seeking deliverance. The next thing the missionary had spoken was like disappointment had shot an arrow into the core.

 

“Keep doing what your doing with the prayer. God has done it before so do you believe he will deliver you from this spirit?” Audri nodded yes. “Then just believe and stay prayerful”.

 

“HA!” Disappointment shouted into the ear of the core. “That’s all you get. As you know it ‘keep doing what your doing’ speech. Why do they keep telling you that when you know what you are doing is not enough? We won’t let you do more and look at Rejection. He’s making love to that stone heart of yours.” The core turned her head and saw how rejection was no longer beating her heart; he was actually “humping” it and licking it. She turned back to disappointment and frustration. They were kissing as if to have miniature versions of them. “If only they knew just how much you are not doing, how much of their expectation is wasted. We get to ride you all week on this one. Party time!”

 

It actually tormented her that the speaker only gave her “keep doing what your doing”. Audri watched as the pastor’s wife’s family showed up unannounced. There was no place for her there now because the blood family had shown up. Service ended and since she was only tasked with drinks, she left. The core stayed away from people when she was bothered by something and at that moment, she was bothered by a lot of different things at once. As she was driving away she texted the pastor and apologized for leaving like she did. She confessed she was not comfortable with large crowds, especially when something was bothering her.

 

The car arrived in the driveway, the door to the garage was shut behind her, and she stepped into her room. Her eyes glanced down at the bed and she could see the bed calling her name. Depressed, she changed out of her clothes and plopped down in her bed. Still the song kept cycling through her mind. The core was hearing it and the guards tried to block her ears from it. Sleep quickly came to her to cast its shadow over her. Her dreams focused on the ordained one this time. No more dreams about what was going on during the first week prayer. She was back to dreaming about the ordained one. As she slept, the song faded. When she woke up later that night, the song came back. She asked who sang it and an image of the application came across her eyes with the name of the artist.

 

“Him Lord? Are you sure?” The core asked as if God was not sure about who sang the song. He who knew everything, ordained, and orchestrated everything. “Alright I’ll look him up but if its not him then please help me find who.” She went onto YouTube and looked up the artist and the title “he loves me” only to come up with another title. “Jesus loves me” is what appeared and when she played the song, she knew it was the one that was playing in her mind all day.

 

“Jesus, He loves me, He loves me, He is for me

Jesus, how can it be, He loves me, He is for me”

 

Those two lines are what kept trying to play all day. That little melody during those words were on repeat all day. This was a song worth keeping for her. It ministered to her right when she needed it. Right when all security of him loving her was stolen, he gave her that song and played those words. The rest of the song didn’t matter, just those two lines.

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~ by davisddesigns on June 23, 2015.

 
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