Thirty Days of Rejection – Day 1

“Thirty days to focus on one particular thing behind that dark closed door. That’s what I hear. You will pray for thirty days and out of the thirty, take three days each week to focus on that one thing. On day thirty you won’t be praying, you’ll be praising and rejoicing. I hear God saying you will be tried within the thirty days. Call me on day thirty with a report and I don’t want dates. If something happens on day twenty, tell me it was day twenty and not on June sixth. Now the devil might not do anything until day thirty-two so don’t get caught up in just thirty days. Call me each week to report on what’s going on with you. Do you have any questions?”

 

“Yes, you said on the thirtieth day to call and now your saying each week, why?”

 

“Because you will go through something different each week. Now do you have a favorite worship song you like to listen to?”

 

“Uhhh, right now I’m listening to ‘Yes’ and it’s doing a work on me”

 

“Ok I believe that’s by Shekinah Glory right? Listen to that, go into praise then worship and then prayer. Write this down, ‘it’s time for your life and your mindset to line up with the word of the Lord’ because it truly is. Actually it’s past due, this is how long now? Seeking after the Holy Ghost, what two years? I truly believe, but I haven’t been told this, I truly believe after you get free from some of these things that you’ll receive it. And that is all I’m hearing so I am done. I will talk to you later”. Elizabeth called unexpectedly to give Audri some life instructions of what to do on a daily routine. The day before, Audri had complained to her about falling asleep in church. That’s what the call started out with, was ways to live and sleep enough so it wouldn’t be so hard on the body on Sunday’s. Audri worked third shift and got off Sunday mornings at 7 am, then church started at 11 am. She had to shower, which took about an hour so that left about three hours of sleep and a long push afterwards.

 

The alarm went off at 7:30 am and the previous conversation with the ordained one went through the core’s mind. She had decided that this day, day three of thirty, was going to be her first day praying over the rejection. As instructed, she started off singing “Yes” by Shekinah Glory Ministries and then she put the song on repeat in order to proceed. After the singing she went to praising with “hallelujah” and “thank you Jesus” as her example praise was recorded. When she felt her praise was adequate, she moved on to trying to worship. The song was a worship song but she couldn’t go back to singing it for worship so she looked at her notes and started with “Lord I love you”.

 

“Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Hallelujah Jesus. Thank you Jesus. I thank you Father for you said I could cry ‘Abba Father’. I thank you for the spirit of adoption; I thank you for adopting me. Thank you for loving me and for wanting me. That was a big struggle for me. I knew you loved me but I didn’t know if you wanted me. You have said enough that you loved me, and I thought it was possible to love but not want me. After all, Elizabeth said she loved me but she doesn’t want me in her life. So yes, I thank you for both loving me and wanting me. You said, Lord, that when my mother and my father forsake me then you would take me up. Well, my parents have forsaken me and even she, who told you she would adopt me, has left me. I thank you for being there to take me as your child after she abandoned me. Now I ask for deliverance from this rejection in Jesus mighty name. Christ you said you would never leave me nor forsake me. Father, I know I need deliverance from parental rejection, from Elizabeth’s rejection, peer rejection, and all other rejection. I surrender all this rejection in Jesus name…..”

 

The core’s troubled, yet evil, grandfather had walked into the room next to hers. She didn’t understand why he was up at 7:30 on a Thursday morning and she was not happy about it. This was her time to be awake, by herself, alone, and at peace. She made it her business to not be awake when he was as much as possible. They did not get along that badly, she set up a schedule for their lives to not mix. A couple weeks prior she had argued for television time from 7:15 in the morning until about 10 in the morning. He was supposed to be asleep during that time, in order to keep peace. As soon as he walked into the room to print off paperwork, she shut down and could not finish her prayer. She ended it with an “amen”. Anger flared up because she could not do anymore in prayer. With that anger, she confronted him.

 

“Why are you up so early? This is my time in the morning”.

 

Though she did not come in hostile, he responded with hostility due to what she said. “I had to print off and fax some paperwork to your daddy!” Still being frustrated, she went to her room to change her clothes and climb in bed. Her mind was bombarded in her sleep with something strange; she did not understand why this thing was showing up. She found herself in church, words were spoken, and somehow the ordained one ended up sitting on the floor. The core was commanded to come sit on the floor with her; to let her hold her and embrace her as a mother would a small child. Confusion set in on the core’s face. She desired this kind of interaction with the ordained one but knew she could never expect it. Maybe if she was twenty years younger, she could get this treatment; not as she was now. Desires to be held in the bosom of a motherly figure before reality set in to remind her she was too big and too old. Yes confused but intrigued to find out what was going to happen next. Minutes passed with the ordained one holding the core, nothing more. Everyone was still in church, still there to watch and observe.

 

“Elizabeth, can I get up now?”

 

“No. You need this, this is essential to a healing that God wants to do in your life”.

 

“Ok.” She sighed. Being held like that was a very uncomfortable feeling at that moment. Despite wanting it and desiring it, she could not freely accept it. Even in her dreams she could not freely accept it. After having the ordained one in her life for about a year and a half, she knew what she could expect out of her and what she would never have a chance to hope for. This one thing was one of those that she knew in real life she would not be able to experience. It was obvious she would never be able to receive this kind of a hug from anyone and she knew she needed help from God to let it go. When she asked to get up, guards were talking to her dream mind, which was making her uncomfortable. She knew there were “anti love” based guards in her and she did not know what to call them. Rejection was not the only one and this was not her feeling rejected. This was not her feeling abandoned, neglected, or any of the sort; not feeling unloved by someone else. No, this was her being unable to receive love. Love being shown that caused her to want to run away from it, to reject it even. There was no name she could come up with to describe this other than “anti love” spirits.

 

More time passed by. It was more than any five minutes or ten minutes. Now was when that anti love was manifesting. The core’s body started to squirm; trying to get away from the one she loved. To her dismay, the ordained one did not let go until the church door flew open and an angry man was yelling for the core.

 

“AUDRI WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!”

 

Immediately everyone in church was hit with the spirits of hostility, anger, hatred, racism, prejudice thinking, argumentative spirits, and rage. Even the core felt all that and she believed she was spiritually numb to every spirit, even God’s. Just as quickly as everything hit everyone, the core jumped up off the floor and out of her adopted mother’s bosom. She was thankful for the interruption but upset due to the fact something was starting to happen. Just from the voice, the core knew it was her dad who was hollering for her. When she saw him, his face was blood shot red. From just looking at him, anger rushed from him to her and it overwhelmed her. She fell to the emotion but tried to keep it under control.

 

In her soft, submissive, pouting, whiney voice she responded, “What are you doing here?”

 

“I’ve come to get you. Get your … in the car right now!” It was mother’s day in her dream and her biological parents were not saved. They had no respect for the church so a cuss word was easy to fly from their lips, especially his. The core had done such a drastic change from being a hateful atheist to being a devoted church member, sacrificing family ties for church ties. To miss a family function like that was nothing to her; she even enjoyed it because she no longer could fellowship peaceably with her parents. Years of work to keep her mouth from cussing even went to her mentality; she tried to keep it out of her thoughts. That didn’t matter with her parents in her mind. They were so bad with cussing; she could not convert it from the “a” word to butt. She was happy that her dad does say “hell” as well, which let her convert the “f” word to “hell”. At home her grandmother didn’t understand how this had happened, she raised him in church.

 

“No.” The core was scared to leave the building with him being angry. Her mother was there, just as angry.

 

“If I have to drag you out of this hole I will.”

 

“Audri why are you skipping my day for here? Isn’t church over with now? Why are you still here and not at home for family dinner?” Her birth mother did not, nor could she, understand why she chose church over family.

 

“You’re place is at home, now get the hell out. You are coming home with us. I don’t want you around these blacks anymore today.” There it was, the nice way for his racism to show through. He stepped forward to grab a hold of his daughter and she jerked back.

 

“I’m staying here. Why don’t you go home and have mothers day with grandma and with your son? Isn’t it obvious that I don’t want to be around you? All this hate, this anger, and this rage – no one wants to be around that. I’m free from being full of it ALL the time. There’s no relationship between us and I don’t believe we can have one. I remember when you said daddy that I was dead to you. So let me stay dead and leave me be.”

 

His response was even more hateful than what he started with. He was even angrier and started to lay hands on her. Those very hands that once held her with love reached for her to drag her by the hair out of the church. Her hands went up in defense and he grabbed her by the arm. He pulled and she used her weight to her advantage. She leaned back and turned into dead weight. Many things were rushing through her dream mentality while this skirmish was taking place. Her eyes gazed directly at her mother. She had remembered something she did not want to deal with; something she did not want to admit actually happened.

 

“He would kill you if he knew. Don’t worry; you don’t even know what I’m talking about. You’ve forgotten what I’m talking about, and for most of my life I had forgotten too. I can’t even tell you how badly I suffered from the consequences of what YOU did. Dad, take her and go. There are things that I need to do here and I can’t with you here interrupting it.”

 

Her father looked at her mother, confused as to what his daughter was talking about. Just as confused as he was, her mother looked back at him. The core was telling the truth when she said her mom had forgotten. It was something she did when the core was small and she did not want to talk about it. Someone had told her the year before that the trauma was so damaging; she was having panic attacks when she slept. For the sake of survival, her mind blocked that event out. In her sleep she points her finger at her mother as the culprit. The one who prophesied to her said it was a female who was close, and she could not picture her grandmother doing it. Her grandmother was an old school Baptist woman who may have accidentally done something while she was giving her a bath. She was willing to give her grandmother the benefit of the doubt but not her mother. Not after what the core’s mom had said about what she desired when she was four years old. When she had told the core that desire, the core knew her dearly beloved mother was perverse in her mind.

 

That was the end of that dream but it repeat. The next one was exactly like it except for the detail of what the consequences were. While the core was shouting them out, she became more and more hateful. After that was the same dream with a different ending. It just repeated over and over again until she faded into a deeper sleep. When the core woke up, she didn’t understand why that thing was on her mind as she slept. It was a distraction from dealing with rejection. She didn’t want to focus or think on it so she pushed to keep her mind on the rejection. Through the whole day she had woken up for many different reasons. Whether it was because she was thirsty, hot, cold, needed to go to the bathroom, a text message, a phone call, an email, or was wanting something to eat she spent the whole day in bed – despite the bathroom and kitchen trips. Her waking up for the night meant it was about 9 PM; she had to be at work at 10. Thankfully because of her grandmother going a different route to get to the city’s highway, she was able to save up to 10 minutes on travel distance. That extra time left more time to pray and she took advantage of it.

 

Speeding, on the way to work, she stressed about getting to work on time and stressed about prayer. She couldn’t think of any kind of rejection pain that bothered her except for what she experienced from the ordained one. That’s what her second and short prayer was about. Something happened in the atmosphere at work, she was unable to focus in prayer where as she used to be able to. With the struggle, it left her prayer to be about a ten to twenty minute prayer and it took thirteen minutes for the song. Somehow she ended up doing both the song and the prayer before going into work to suffer from the hands of the person who worked in electronics.

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~ by davisddesigns on June 6, 2015.

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