Rejection’s Conversation

“She gave up on you months before she quit. You can’t trust her to not do it again. Remember how she said she never would and then turns around and leaves? She’s too busy for you now and you can see it. No she does not love you but she loves God. That’s the only reason why she called to give those instructions, because she loves God and he told her to call. As far as you go, she absolutely hates you and she is showing it through her actions. Don’t forget what she said months ago, child. Go back to December when she said she would fill the role of a mother where you lack. It was new years week and on New Years Eve service you leaped for joy and praised your God because of it. She finally accepted you, you finally found a person who gave you a sense of belonging. A sense of being wanted, a sense that you’ve been searching for and that lasted for two weeks. Then it happened all over again, she started to cancel or reschedule because she didn’t have the time for you. Binta hasn’t had time for you since the first time she showed the softer side of herself. Yes she spent full days with you, listened to you, helped you, and threw it all away when she said her assignment was over.

 

There is your example of God’s love for you. He’s moving for everyone else in the church, talking to everyone else, ministering to everyone else and you’re there all alone. Unable to be ministered to, unable to sense his presence, and his example abandoned you. What were you crying out? You’re the heart of this body, you’re the core, and you even went through the pain to cry out. How did it feel anyways? How did it feel for your throat to be shocked? Hmmm? I heard your voice and saw you drop like the trash that you are. ‘Mommy don’t go, please don’t go’ right? We heard it but she didn’t, so what did she do? She left. Look what she has done to all of us! We are scrambling around, not being able to make sense of the chaos around. There are heaps of rubble where there used to be walls, my friends are gone, my brethren are missing, some are bound in prisons all because of Binta. She doesn’t want you because of what she has said. Understand that little one.”

 

The day after the ordained one gave the girl instructions, she wanted to work on dealing with this one spirit. She wanted to give the first of the week to God because she knew he likes the first and the best of everything. It was not in her instructions to fast, in fact she was told, “this kind only comes out by praying and fasting but we are going to be praying”. That sentence did not even register in her memory at that time. However, she ate. Eating was not fasting so she made up in her mind to start the next day.

 

“Past time, long overdue for receiving the Holy Ghost. Can’t even be sure that the father wants you and you expect to receive of that gift? You don’t believe he loves you and you think you’re going to move up into the next level of a relationship with him? HA! That’s funny. He “delivered” her from you, not you from her. Yes I heard you ask for it, yes I heard you in how you asked for it. She was hard in the end and you wanted to stop hurting, you wanted deliverance from the pain. Look at how she hurt you, why is it so hard for you to be angry with her and to hate her? That’s a perfectly fine reaction. It’s good that you’re angry with God for putting her in with us, so close to us and then having her leave. Yes you repented but it’s still here with us, it’s our food. Look at how big we’ve grown because of it. Neither of you will get us to leave, and you will fail this trial when it happens. Just because you think you have it set that you won’t fail, that you refuse to let me hurt you again, does not mean I don’t have that kind of power over you and I’ll show it to you. Oh and just to let you know, no woman who is old enough to be a mother to you will ever love you or want you the way you desire. After all, a lot of what you desire is from your core self, not the outwardly body. The outwardly body is too old and too big for anyone to hold you as a child, for anyone to rock you and comfort you as if you were a child. No one wants to put the time into you or just touch you in any shape or form. Yes they hug you but they don’t want to. Even the pastor’s wife told you to find another denomination once before and you call her mama. Look at how much you get on their nerves, how much of a struggle it is for people to tolerate you.”

 

As she tried to wake up, he showed her flashbacks of people in her life that have disappeared from her life. He reminded her of the crying and how it was broken up because her heart was still completely covered in stone, at that point in time it was just being cracked. All the pieces were still there and in tact. In fact, it was a solid chunk of stone before the cracks began to form. Memories of when the ordained one was important, when she was soft, when she was around, when she spent time with the girl were all flashing back to her remembrance through out the day and as she slept. Even the prayer from days before, where she couldn’t stop crying, came flooding back. This prayer was before the ordained came back to give instructions and the core’s very first words echoed.

 

“God she rejected and abandoned me! I need to be healed of this hurt”. Day by day, ever since the ordained one left, she had been hurting and suffering from the departure. Rejection kept eating and eating all of it up, consuming it like he was a glutton. He got her to believing that it was a mistake, the whole past year and a half was nothing but a mistake and a waste of time. She started to believe she wasted God’s time, the ordained ones’ time, and her own. After all, Rejection had that recording of when the ordained one spoke, saying, that the whole thing seemed like a waste. It was a phone call where she said that and the core thought she had made her mad.

 

Towards the end she was terrified of her leaving because she had messed up too badly. This guard had talked to her so much and scared her so badly; she was frozen in fear that her newly acquired mother was going to leave. Yet her heart, her core self, was saying, “just a little bit more time please. Everything will change in just a little bit more time, you’ve adopted me now and you are dealing with ‘me’ as a child. You’re ministering to ‘me’, so please just give me a few more months to see how much different I’ll be”.

 

“Those thoughts didn’t mean anything back then and they surely don’t mean anything now. You haven’t changed in these past three months, not concerning her. I’m still able to talk about her and hurt you, I’m able to bring obsession and idolatry in the conversation and torment you over her. You still desire her in your life as if she had never left but you’re too scared to accept what you do have because of me. Praying to your God to heal you so I can’t hurt you does not do any good. With me here, you cannot be healed.

 

Look at you, how many people have rejected you because of how your body looks on the outside? They can’t see ‘you’ in here, only out there. All of us have put up such a strong persona to keep you hidden from their eyes and they have turned from you because of it. All they see is this overweight, immature, mean, hateful person with skin issues. They see the tiny eyes, the scars from pimples being picked at all thanks to us. If Suicide, Hate, Perfection, and I weren’t here to mutilate your body, the flesh would not have any scars. On the outside they see the baggy pants due to the barricaded room with masculine guards. You are a butch and men don’t want one. Personally I believe they miss that homosexual spirit, it’s what really gave them strength. If only you weren’t set free from that spirit, you could try for the ordained one again. A second round and maybe just this time she would have fallen. But with your weight, she might not even want you if she had.”

 

“She’s shorter and about the same weight but its not attractive in man’s eyes. Child, your outwardly body is so plain and disgusting its not even funny. You are no one anyone would ever want due to your looks. Give up desiring a husband, give up desiring the ordained one to accept you. Your not even the same color as her. She is so dark and you are so pale, its like night and day. ” Out of nowhere, low self-esteem had appeared. He worked side by side with rejection in this area that it was hard to tell them apart.

 

“”When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. Psalms 27:10. For you have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but you have received the spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. Romans 8:15. “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Hebrews 13:5. Thank you for adopting me when my parents didn’t want me Lord. Thank you for never leaving me nor forsaking me. Yes she did and yes she was an example of your love, she was your mouthpiece to me. But I thank you for saying you will never leave me nor forsake me. Thank you for putting her back in my life, I won’t do this time what I did last time. Father I won’t complain to my leader about her, despite how I may look and act after she talks to me. If she hurts me, I’m not running to him. I’ve grown in obedience over the past few months; I’ve grown a lot in obedience. Anyone tells me to do anything; I’m quicker to do it. These are the three scriptures I’m going to use for this fight Lord. Just please help me get up at 7:30 in the morning on my days off.”

 

“Hush this foolishness child and go to sleep now”. Slumber had shown up to put her to sleep, to prevent her from making all the ruckus she was making. Her body slept and her mind was vulnerable to any thought available, whether it was good or bad. She could not wake up for the rest of the evening or night, only able for that morning prayer. Afterwards she fell under the power of sleep again.

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~ by davisddesigns on May 19, 2015.

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