“Can I even call you Father? Are you my father? I know you love me but do you want me? I know you say you’re ‘I AM”. With the “I AM” she started crying and could no longer pray. Despite her desire to overcome, rejection kept beating on her heart. He was also talking to her while he was beating the wound. Telling her that even God rejected her, that he didn’t want her, that she was forsaken. “I AM” ministered to her, causing her to cry and repent for listening to rejection, doubt, and unbelief.


About three weeks prior, a high-ranking minister had preached about the great “I AM” yet it did not affect her. She had the message at her fingertips to listen to his message again but chose not to. This great revelation she had just received about what God meant when he said he was “I AM that I AM. The minister didn’t touch on “I AM” like this so this was different for her than what she had heard weeks prior. She had heard about things moving from the mind down to the heart and the spirit many times before. To her, this was that very experience and with it came a craving to dig deeper. Never before had she had a desire to search the scriptures like this, wanting to read about God and “I AM”. Past reading and past listening to scriptures came back to her remembrance, telling her that God said he was this and he was that. He used the very words “I am” with other words such as “alpha and omega”, “the beginning and the end”, “the light of the world” etc. Her hunger was to search all that out, everything he said he was after using the words “I am”.


He said he was I am, so that meant to her that he was her father. For being insecure in love, insecure about whether or not she was wanted, having no relationship with a father or mother, the fact that God was her father meant something to her for the first time in her life. Great disconnect separated her from being moved whenever it was brought up that God was her father. It meant nothing to her; she was caught up in wanting flesh to be a father or mother. Two days later she cried out to the Lord that the ordained one rejected her and abandoned her. She asked, pleaded, and begged to be healed from that trauma. Hurt had her bound in more chains but when she asked for help to forgive, to let go, and for healing – something happened. Tears and loud cries began to come forth. A blanket was grabbed as stuffing in her mouth to muzzle the noise and she could not stop crying. Uncontrollable crying was not something she had a problem with except once before. That experience was not like this one, that experience was just tears randomly dripping down her face. This experience was where she could not stop despite trying.


A child who learned to start and stop crying at her own will could not stop this time. When she lost the first motherly figure that made it into the maze, she cried hard, heavy tears but she could stop when the ordained one called. If she had called at that time, the core would have ignored the call all in account of not being able to stop. She started to think that this was some deep hurt being cried out, deep enough hurt that she could not control despite having a strong sense of control. Still she had not embarked on her desire to dig into the scripture to find out exactly who God said he was. She was working, she had no desire to get into the scriptures without someone to give the work to, and here she was in prayer crying her heart out. But she still hadn’t started to do what she was hungry for. No, she was too busy wondering why she was not endued with power from on high, why she was not blessed with the greatest desire she had, talked to by the devil in all those aspects. What the builder did not know, due to instilling laziness and slothfulness, was this determination she had recently picked up. She acknowledged she was slow to start, after all at least three days had passed, with her not starting to dig yet. Before this desire died, she made up in her mind to start finding out what God said he was. Not only what he said he was, but what he had revealed to his people and what they had praised him for being. King David said God was a refuge, a shield, a buckler, a strong tower in which his people could run to. None of those followed the words “I am” and that’s why she wanted to search more.


All this time with her being beaten down by the guards, with her being chained to that stone base, she had a bible within arms reach. The guards didn’t beat it out of her hands; she never picked it up to use it. She knew once she started they would attack worse trying to knock it out, trying to hurt her so bad she would drop it and be overwhelmed by passiveness. Passivity was like clothing on her skin due to how it held on and how close it was to overshadowing her. Not letting passivity defeat her, she picked up her bible and started to search the scriptures. A deposit was being made into her spirit.


~ by davisddesigns on May 2, 2015.

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