Change

I know I’ve been off and on posting and I know I’ve been like that ever since I left the college class that required me to have a blog. I know my posts have at times been random and all over the place. I’ve had my highs and my lows with this site. I’ve posted good things and I’ve posted bad things. I’ve had thoughts about deleting past posts and thoughts about keeping them. I’ve posted stuff that sounded crazy and stuff that sounds sane. I’ve been in dark places in my mentality and I’ve been slowly changing since before this blog. I’m doing a new mind set change today.

All my life I’ve seen my situations, my circumstances, my failures, my shortcomings and I’ve compared them to the kids who seemed to have better lives. When I got into college for graphic arts I compared my artwork to my classmates and always fell short in my eyes. Always hard on myself, always trying to push and put rules on myself to make up for where I lack. Those same rules put me in bondage for I wasn’t able to keep them.

Acts 15

10 Now therefore why tempt ye God, to put a yoke upon the neck of the disciples, which neither our fathers nor we were able to bear?

That’s what I did to my own self with all of those rules. I put a heavy yoke upon my neck and it’s weighed me down heavily. The devil was talking to me in my own words and telling me “if I set this bar this high I can make up for things. If I hold my standards that are ridiculously high, other people should too. If they can’t then they are a disappointment”. Basically I was trying to take the whole “human” aspect out of being human.

Lately I’ve been hearing my pastor tell me repeatedly to settle in God, to focus on him, and to diligently seek after him. To stop “self diagnosing”, to get my mind off my troubles and get my mind on the one who can fix them. He’s even talked to me more about impatience, and that was after I told him I had a dream where impatience was being preached on and my response was “wow”. I had a dream a few months back where the message was sacrifice and trusting in God but I couldn’t get past a couple scriptures in Matthew.

Matthew 6

 

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Matthew 19

 

27 Then answered Peter and said unto him, Behold, we have forsaken all, and followed thee; what shall we have therefore?

A full message and those two were the first two scriptures used, within the first 5 minutes of the message. My dream kept repeating with those two at different angles. Some versions were a little longer than 5 minutes to get both out, some were shorter and each time the only constant thing through all the repeats was those scriptures. Then I fell asleep. This dream about impatience was not like that dream. I stayed awake enough in a dream like state long enough to get a full complete message playing in my mind. An hour long or longer full message and it wasn’t on repeat. It didn’t cut off anywhere and go at a different angle. As soon as it was done I fully woke up and texted about it, then I tried to go back to sleep and dream about it again. That’s when the repeating started to happen and the different angles started to come into factor. The first time through it was clear as day.

So as I’m changing, as I am doing little things here and there in my life, as I have my ups and downs, my mind set is different. I’m hearing things that I was not able to hear months ago. I’m getting a better grasp on obedience and being humble, very slowly but I’m grasping it. Scripture talked about how I’m responding too.

Isaiah 28

9 Whom shall he teach knowledge? and whom shall he make to understand doctrine? them that are weaned from the milk, and drawn from the breasts.

10 For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little:

Here a little and there a little I’m picking up things. The things I’m picking up are doing a great change and I’m only able to notice some of the changes. Pastor told me Sunday and again Thursday night that the small things matter, they count. For someone who wants to do mighty things, to do big things, to be able to hang with the big boys and girls even though I’m still on milk and I feel inadequate because I can only do small things, that really is a comfort. At times, everyone else in the church can pray in tongues and can feel the move of the spirit and can get touched by God but me I’m just there feeling like I’m just doing lip service. I’m not able to experience what they can, yet, and I feel like what I’m able to do is small and like it don’t matter and I question is what I’m able to do counting for anything or is it all vain? Then he goes and says that and it’s a comfort because I didn’t talk to him about this and he’s telling me the small things matter. That shows me God is noticing and he really is hearing me, that my thoughts and my prayers are not stolen by the devil, and they are not bouncing off the walls. Trust me, that is a comfort.

This week has been different. It’s like there’s been a breakthrough and I’ve been able to push since Sunday in a way I have been struggling with. I really enjoy Sunday, it really really helped and there was a change in me. My mind is changing. My focus is changing. I’m coming out of things like negativity. As a man thinketh so is he (Proverbs 23:7). I’m not thinking negative things as though they are, at least over me. If the devil brings up failures and such now, I add words like “yet”. When he tells me what I don’t have, I say yet. Turning that negative thing into a temporary situation and declaring that I shall have it. A prime example is a desire of my heart. He has been pointing out that I don’t have it. I am telling him I don’t have it yet and I put an emphasis on the yet part. The tone in which I tell him is as if I’m letting him know he forgot a word.  These small changes I’ve noticed and haven’t really put any thought into but they do count. They do matter. Three weeks to a month ago devil told me I was a failure. I verbally spoke back and said, “maybe right now but I’m not staying like this, I won’t be one in the future”.  I’m telling him I’m beautiful because I have a beautiful heart, because I’m beautifully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14), that God beautifies the meek with salvation (Psalms 149:4). When he’s telling me I’m not worth anything and I’m not wanted I tell him that I’m special to God, that he wants me, and I’m like treasure to him (Matthew 13:43-46). I’m going to add that God adopted me (Romans 8:15) as part of my response next time he tells me that.  I also want to add that Jesus thought I was worth dying for.

I said all that to testify about change just to get to this point. I declare and decree – NO MORE! (any doctor who fans who watched the special episode of doctor who on November 23 will understand why I laughed when those two words popped into my mind). No more complaining about what I don’t have, especially when I don’t lift a finger to get it. No more looking at other people and wanting what they have when I’m not willing to go through what they went through to get it. No more wanting to pray like my leaders do and wanting it now but wanting to skip the suffering and the growth and the work they put into being able to pray like that. No more looking at other people and wanting to be like them but not wanting to sacrifice like they did. No more looking at other art work from 14 year olds and admiring how greatly detailed their work is and complain about how bad mine is. Especially when they practiced and practiced and practiced and drew till hands went black and holes were rubbed into the paper before putting it onto the computer and I just sit around and goof off. No more desiring things and not being willing to work for it and complain about not having it. It’s my turn to work, to put an effort into everything I do. No more “just existing”. There’s a lot more things I’m saying no more to and it will echo over many more things as time goes on. I’m declaring no more.

Faith without works is dead (James 2:20). No more not having works. No more saying I have faith and not showing it, no more saying I have faith for this and this and this and I’m not bring meat for it. John the Baptist said bring fruit meet for repentance (Matthew 3:8)and to me that’s “meeting the requirements / conditions”. If I want deliverance, I must do my part to ready myself to receive, I must do my part to meet the requirements and the conditions to receive. I’ve been wanting from God and saying I want to give back but haven’t actually done anything to give back and then I would complain I don’t have. No more of that. This is my testimony of the change that has been happening in my life. I’m starting to imagine a better life where as before I had no hope. Even being saved, I was so bound and so depressed I still could not imagine a better life even though I am serving God who is able. I’m serving the great I AM and still I didn’t believe he was able. I was unable to hold onto any hope I had for very long. Now with me being able to imagine greater, I’m able to hold onto hope longer. I am able to set my sight on to things to reach for. I’m able to strive for something – both in spirit and in natural things.

Yes this is my testimony of change.

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~ by davisddesigns on December 7, 2013.

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