Negative Analysis – Positive End Result

I know I haven’t been on here for a while. Looking back at the calendar, it looks like it’s been about 3 weeks or so since I last posted. So let me update things since then. I’ve had some good strides here and there but mostly been hit bad by attacks of the devil. I’m fully aware of the attacks and fully aware of how to defend against them and yet I still let him attack as if I’m paralyzed. As to why it happens like that, I don’t quite understand as of yet but it’s a work in progress. One of my strengths is my analytical skill and I analyze by observation. It kind of scares me to say I may have to just take some attacks a few times over before I can analyze efficient information and actually begin to act on that knowledge. For this posting, I have an observation based on things I’ve learned over the past week.


About 2 weeks ago I asked the Lord in prayer why I wasn’t being filled with the Holy Spirit. Over and over in my mind over the past year was a testimony I heard about a friend. She was saved for 2 days and was filled and I kept thinking “she got it after 2 days of being saved and didn’t even ask, God is no respecter of persons so why haven’t I gotten it when I’ve asked?” Believe me – that caused some ill emotions towards my holy, righteous, worthy, good God. That’s how I found myself asking “what’s keeping me from it?” and the more I thought on it, even just the name, the more bitter I got. I wasn’t thinking on anything else other than the baptism of the Holy Ghost and nothing was setting me off to upset me and I just found myself more and more bitter as the hours passed. Then break came and I was fine. My mind got off the subject altogether and I was fine…then I was recounting that experience and I was thinking, “was I actually answered? I hope that’s not it”. Yea, that was it. Bitterness towards God was my answer and when I accepted that, I was shown my attitude towards the whole ordeal and it made me feel even worse. If I describe my spoiled bratty attitude, I will want to be opened up and bleached while taking scrapers to scrape the sludge and grime off the insides. Knowing I’m like that towards God makes me feel utterly filthy. The Word is supposed to be cleaning me up and with as many spots that are still on my garment and how filthy I still am in the spirit, it makes me wonder if any cleaning has been done.


Over the past 2 weeks I have really been doing a lot of inward looking at my personality and my attitude. I’ve been praying more and trying to get into the word more. My goal is to literally fall out of agreement with that self-righteous, self-centered, self-serving, spoiled brat attitude with a princess mentality and a brat is too soft of a word to describe it. Within that goal, I have learned I need to fall out of agreement with the mentality of a victim. Seeing myself as a victim boost the idea that I am owed something for all the suffering I’ve done and that is coupled with the princess mentality of “give me everything on a silver platter”. Yes I found out that I was feeling that way towards God about the baptism of the Holy Ghost. To fall out of feeling like a victim I was told I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself, which means I need to fall out of agreement with self-pity. There’s a long list to trace the tail end result back to the head core.


In the midst of all that, rejection got to have a go at me and that really messed me up. I am still not even sure if it was just rejection acting up or if I let another one in…I’m hoping for the former. It brought fear of rejection, fear of abuse, and fear of men in authority to the surface. Then after them it brought lust (don’t ask) and more fear. Next layer came depression and isolation showing its face Sunday. I was completely unstable and I started hearing that spirit of isolation talk. He was telling me I don’t belong with those people just like he did back with the other church. The basic core detail was the same even though the minor details changed as to why I didn’t belong. None of that matters, what does matter is I knew it was the devil talking through one of his demons. I knew what was coming next because I’ve been down this road, this path many times before. Sunday I was being talked to and I was repeating, “I don’t belong here” Sunday night at the tent revival. Monday came and I ended up going back to the secular music again. This time it’s Celtic based and I was listening to Celtic Woman singing “You’ll Be In My Heart” and wow. I got ministered to through a secular song.


With that song, I made sure to push repeat over and over again (was listening to it on YouTube) and I started to make a decision. In my mind I was declaring, “I don’t want to go through this again. I’ve gone through this over and over and over and over multiple times. I don’t want it this time. I belong to God; I shouldn’t have to suffer from depression and isolation. I don’t want it. Lord can I go after this? I want deliverance, will you go with me into battle against this?” Mind you, that was Monday. At 2 in the morning I texted my pastor and gave him a long list of things and I will talk about those things next post. To be honest, can’t really finish the update without talking on those things because they are key to yesterday. So I guess that’s the end of this one.


~ by davisddesigns on June 5, 2013.

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