Mental Awareness – Two Steps Away From Negative Analysis

While pastor and I talked, I remembered I had said I didn’t want to be a narcissist. I didn’t really want to say I was one and not know what one was so I looked it up. Funny thing is I ended up taking a mental disorder personality test. I love personality tests just for the results to see how accurate they are to describe how I actually am.

At the end of the results it said I was mostly paranoid, in second was narcissism, third was either anti social disorder or borderline personality disorder. Obsessive Compulsive was in there, so was dependent and a couple versions of schizophrenia. Basically the website listed off nine different mental disorders and in just those the definitions covered some of that list I sent pastor. That test wasn’t the only one I took. I found myself on a depression disorder test and that website listed off five kinds of depression. I learned of two terms that are really similar and those two really intrigued me a lot. Of the two, dysthymia fits me best.

“Dysthymia, or dysthymic disorder, is a clinical diagnosis of moderate, persistent depression. Sufferers do not routinely experience the extremes of major depression, but the duration can be much longer. Dysthymia does not often inhibit normal activities. The depression experienced in dysthymia sufferers tends appear almost as a personality trait. They tend to be self-critical and negative, with low self-esteem. Many dysthymics are unable to recall the last time they felt happy. Symptoms include:

  • Long term depression, sadness, anxiety
  • Fatigue, difficulty falling asleep or waking and not being able to fall back asleep
  • Problems with memory or concentration
  • Low self esteem, guilt, or negative thinking; self critical
  • Depression seems part of ones personality, gloomy, no joy
  • Unable to remember last time one was happy, confident, or inspired
  • Unexpected weight loss or gain, eating problems
  • Symptoms present for over two years

I really want to take mention of this one. For years upon years I have suffered from depression and I do have periods of joy, excitement, and happiness. I love those periods especially when its pure joy. The excitement and happiness is getting better but it still has this underlying depressive pull on it that strips it away. I noticed that last year – no matter how happy I got, there was always this underlying depression that wouldn’t go away. Don’t get me wrong, I do get happy and I do get energized with confidence when I’m happy so its not like I can’t remember the last time I was. So that trait doesn’t fit me and not all symptoms fit everyone. Another one that doesn’t fit is unexpected weight loss or gain. However, I’ve been commenting on Facebook how I can’t eat like I used to. That is something I can’t describe either. You know those people who go in and have their stomachs stapled so they can fill up faster and that is their means of weight loss? It’s like my stomach is stapled but I never went in for that kind of treatment. Naturally over time I started to fill up faster and eat less and less and yet I still haven’t lost any weight to show for it or any inches around my stomach. Since I’m talking on depression – that’s depressive lol.

My sleep is never really sleep. Going to bed with sun up like I do, based on the studies of my sleep app, I stay in a constant state of being half awake and half asleep. I’m asleep enough to get rest but awake enough to be counted as a light sleeper. A text is enough to make me conscious enough to open my eyes and be able to read it and have difficulties going back to sleep. I wake up several times through the “night” for multiple reasons. My memory is shot but I think that’s more so because I haven’t worked my brain that much since high school. Self-esteem is practically non-existent and that brings upon loads of insecurities. Can’t pray like I should due to feeling a sense of guilt. Constantly being accused of being overwhelmingly negative. Mostly I have come down to the miserable point of just working and sleeping.

Despite all this, I’m proud. A normal person would be disturbed to find two websites basically list of 12-13 mental disorders. They would be concerned and feel led to consult a therapist but not me. I’m proud. Want to know why? I’m proud I show traits of having roughly 12 mental disorders and I don’t take medication. I don’t go to a therapist and I operate decently in society. Yes I may be socially challenged due to some of them at points in my life but overall I operate and function just fine. That’s why I’m proud. My belief is MY GOD in his mercy keeps the spirits operating behind those mental disorders at bay. It’s my belief that he keeps them from showing themselves all at once. Seriously, if all them were brought to the service at once I literally would be thrown into a mental hospital and nearly put into a coma with how much they were drugging me. Of all the influence the demons have over me, they aren’t the really strong versions.

I say strong versions for a few reasons. I’ve learned there is a system / method that both God and the devil works by. They work in authority and have elaborate “positions” for everything. If we talk about military status, there’s a pecking order. Since I’m talking on the devil’s field lets take him for the example. When in a deliverance ministry you learn that there’s a pecking order in whose core is usually rejection. Then after rejection is fear of rejection and self-rejection. From that stems unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, paranoia ect. Also in deliverance you learn about the strongholds and the strongmen. Just because there’s a particularly strong spirit in me does not mean its as strong in someone else. There’s a book called “Rejection its roots and its fruits” and I briefly skimmed through it to make a listing of what spirits are inside of me based on traits. That’s a long list. Anyways, each person that was in there for testimonial purposes had different strongholds and each stronghold was composed of different spirits. Each stronghold had a different strongman. One person had a strongman of unforgiveness where as unforgiveness was in another person but it wasn’t as strong; it wasn’t the strongman. What I’m basically saying is that through all the mess of these demons affecting my mind, none of them are the strongmen, none of them are too high up the food chain in the pecking order. Other people suffer from them worse than I do because in those other people, those spirits are further up the ladder.

I’ve lost my train of thought for this post now. Continuing onto the next post because I truly am basically done with this one. I’ll talk more on that pride.


~ by davisddesigns on June 5, 2013.

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