Self Pity Leading To Depression

For some reason, Friday I agreed to come into work early…4 hours early. That actually ends up working itself out because Friday I hit my elbow really hard on the corner of the doorway and had to go home because I could not do any part of my job at all. Basically I lost 3 hours and 20 minutes of work because of that carelessness.

As usual, I went to bed late. I woke up after 7 hours of sleep and went into work. Through out those 4 hours of work, I was in a good mood and was having fun. The room was hot and my coffee was sticky because of the sugar in it. I ended up drinking so much water with the coffee that I became waterlogged and nearly got sick to my stomach. Despite all that, I was still happy. Then I went home. I don’t know what happened but between going home and coming back to work, I got sad. Somewhere in that 40 minutes (10 minutes late due to traffic), the devil stole my happiness.

I went back to work, kept the same thought process as I had before work and it just made me sad. For some reason I had an extra thought as well and that was of gardening. I daydream about my future on a daily basis and how far into the future varies. A lot of dreams are about church services a week or two in advance, some dreams are about things I could have done differently in the past and others are about me after I have moved out of this house. The dreams about me not living here vary between two categories: living in an apartment and being successful in screen printing shirts or living in a house. The house dream usually is a dream about married life as well. Basically, out of the middle of nowhere I start daydreaming about me gardening in a house dream. The thought of gardening made me sad, decorating made me sad, and the fact it was a marriage based dream made me sad. I haven’t dreamt a marriage-based dream in 3 months and I was happy.

Gardening made me sad because I don’t know if I would or would not do it. I don’t know if I would plant rose bushes or any type of flower in a garden. To me, it’s decorating a yard and I’m not a fan of decorating. Specifically, gardening is a lot of work digging through the soil, setting up mulch, trying to plant a seed that might not even blossom and keeping the weeds away. Then there’s remembering to water the flowers and drown them. Hard working dirty job for something that might be done in vain. That’s my outlook on gardening and the worst part about it is the fact I can’t see myself not doing it. In my opinion, gardening is a woman’s thing to do and I am a female. Plus, the aroma of certain flowers is indeed very relaxing and soothing. Then there’s the added bonus of “this flower” and “that flower” look good. It actually makes all that work seem worth it. Depending on the house, I would love the thought of being able to take a garden and sit outside in a comfortable chair and just smell the beautiful flowers (womanly thing). At least, that would be the front yard. The back yard could portioned off and used for a food source. Having a patch for some things I really really enjoy eating that get expensive would be nice. A couple sturdy trees here and there, a couple fruit trees would be nice as well. Back when I lived in Mississippi, we had an apple tree and a couple of fig trees. I never touched the apples because they were always green. They even fell off green and bugs got to them. Plucking a fig was a bit dangerous because bees liked to be around them. We had an acre worth of land and the house was across a small set of woods. The only drawback was mowing the yard because our house was set on hills.

That’s the whole gardening part of the dream. I may or may not ever get the ideal landscape I had thought of. Like I said, to me, gardening is a feminine trait. I don’t know if I would embrace it or neglect it and I don’t know if I would be good at it. Embracing it also means maturity and there’s a side of me that’s not ready and not willing to grow into that. That side of me still wants to be a child. I’m not even sure why I don’t want to act my age. I’m 22 and I behave like a 12 year old more often than not. There’s no desire to accept the fact I’m an adult woman, I want to stay a little girl. Knowing that’s not normal, knowing that I need to get rid of the reason I want to stay a child and grow up, I seem unable to let go. My dad is 42 and still plays video games like a child and that’s one of the reasons I have behind staying immature. It’s a very weak excuse too and I know that.

Moving onto decorating. Decorating is also a female thing; at least it’s naturally a feminine trait. Normal men as a stereotype have a blank personality when it comes to decoration. As a stereotype (may even be true), they seem to like crisp, clean, simple things. Furniture needs to look “sharp”, the house needs to stay clean and the walls are better if they are blank with no nail or screw holes in them. The care for decorating just seems to not be their thing compared to women. That’s just a masculine trait. If you find a male that loves to decorate like a woman should, he may have some femininity to him. Just like with me, I don’t like to decorate and I know for a fact I am too masculine. Another masculine trait is nagging. When being nagged, the male usually goes the opposite direction just out of stubbornness and rebellion to the nagger. There are occasions where he does just give up because he’s tired of hearing it. I don’t like to decorate and I hate being nagged.

Decorating in itself seems pointless. That means there are more things to dust off. Picture frames collect dust, lamps collect dust, shelves collect dust; anything collects dust. Why would I want to dust off the top of picture frames if I don’t have to? Part of keeping a house clean is to make sure things are dusted. My main drawback is vacuuming. I love a lot of space in a room, a lot of blank space. Big room with not a lot of furniture is awesome yet if the floor is carpet, that leaves a lot more carpet to vacuum. Furniture does do a good job of taking up room and leaving you with not a lot to vacuum if you set everything right. Then there are the table things. I call them tablecloths and I don’t know the exact description for them. It’s like a blanket for the table that looks really nice and then you put mats on top of it so when you eat, you don’t get it dirty. Why have one other for decoration? It serves no purpose in functionality. Then you have to have mats so it doesn’t get dirty with messy eaters and if a drink is spilled, you’re just not in a pleasant moment. What I really don’t understand is the bed. Why add an extra quilt or something that you won’t sleep under and why add decorative pillows? Completely useless. You take all that off to go to sleep and when you get up and make the bed, you gotta put all that back on. Again, that’s the immature and masculinity in me that doesn’t understand the purpose behind decorating.

So this extra daydream was a scenario of me being outside in the spring, my hair back and I’m planting a flower bush that I had started growing in a pot. I’m about 7 months pregnant while I’m doing this and the blank mannequin based husband comes home for lunch.  You know those mannequins that are used to showcase a button down shirt with a tie and dressy pants – professional corporate look. Yea, he looked like one of those. So he sees me and comes over and we start talking and as soon as my ears heard his voice, the baby starts kicking like crazy. The thought ended with him kissing me and kissing the baby before going back to the thought process I had earlier. A marriage, pregnant, gardening dream with three things I don’t think about because they make me sad all wrapped up into one. Not only did it make me sad, it twisted my other dreams. The devil started to use those daydreams and point out all my insecurities and faults and he just started tormenting my mind. I listened to him for a couple hours because I thought it really was me thinking those things. If it wasn’t for him compiling everything all at once and starting down a list of what he had spent the past couple hrs telling me, I would not have noticed it was him.

Somewhere I lost whatever happiness I had. Upon losing it, I seemed to have gone into a state of self-pity. What’s really bad for me is that when I start throwing pity parties, I start to get depressive. If I can stay out of the self-pity mentality then I can stay away from depression. It doesn’t matter how much negativity is around me and trying to influence me, I am only bothered when I’m in that mentality. So for all those years that I suffered from depression just shows you how many years I’ve been throwing a continuously never ending pity party.

Self-pity is also a very self-absorbed mentality. While your suffering from it, you can only think about how this situation or that situation affects you, how this comment or that comment is geared towards you when in reality it may not be. Every little thing is centered around you and every little thing is a negative thing. Then you start saying “poor me” and “if it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t be like this”.

During all that, I saw a new person who has tattoos covering both his arms like a sleeve. Instantly I decided I don’t want to talk to that person. I’ve already had to talk to a person with huge gauges in his ears for 3 days, didn’t want to add the other one to the list. My selfish reasoning behind it was “I don’t want to have a soul tie with that person because I talked to them for 3 days. Soul ties influence people and I don’t socialize with a lot of people because I don’t want all those negative influences”. Because I had said I didn’t want to talk to the person, I came off as judgmental. To be honest, that reasoning can be determined to be judgmental and my defense to it is “I’m protecting myself” which is also selfish. I want to be positively and Godly influenced so I can turn around and influence others in a positive way, not be dragged back down to the pit of darkness and evil that takes a long time to get out of.

Anyways, the devil started to use my voice to tell me I was a failure, wasn’t going to ever amount to anything, that I am lazy, etc. Him starting on that got me to respond. I told him “you know what, I’m better than that”. I started rebuking him and I remembered the Facebook post I made a Sunday. In it, I was talking about praising God makes the enemy runaway from us because he can’t stand it. Then I made mention of a memory from a message from the last pastor. He said that we can praise our way out of a lot of trouble. What he meant by that is through a lot of trials and a lot of torment from the devil, we can start praising God and the devil stops tormenting us. God starts to fill us with his joy and the joy of the Lord is our strength. Even some trials might end earlier through the sacrifice of praise. I took that memory of a memory and started to confess my sins of those thoughts to God and I started to praise him. I also declared some things to the devil, some things he has told me and I have agreed with in the past. I declared the opposite of what he told me. That statement reminds me of a message that I have. In the message, Pastor was talking about whatever the devil tells you to just believe the opposite. If he tells you that this isn’t going to happen, believe it will. If he says you can’t, believe that you can. That is one I need to remember because the phrase that leaves my lips a lot is “I can’t”.

After my prayer with God, the rebuke of the devil, the praising, I started to feel better. That pity party that leads to depression was over. This is my day of three hours with self-pity and how I dealt with it. I started to remember the things of God, started to draw near to God and started to use the authority in Jesus name that I have and rebuke the devil and more or less give him a what for. It didn’t happen in that order but that’s overall what happened. I got free from the burden and weight of despair and sorrow when I noticed I was being passive and started to stop.

I testify these things in hopes that someone who reads these posts will learn from my triumphs and defeats. I want to help you recognize how the devil works and various tactics on how to counter attack him. You can take it or leave it, its up to you. Moral of this particular post is this: when the devil starts to use your voice to tell you how pathetic he thinks you are and how low on the totem pole he thinks you are, just tell him to shut up. Remind him that you belong to God and you are better than what he is saying. Then start to remember the good things in your life and what God has done to you and for you. Remember the blessings.

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~ by davisddesigns on March 5, 2013.

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