Update

•May 1, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I know it’s been about a year since I posted anything. Something happened that was devastating and it completely took me away from everything. There was no desire to write anymore and I’m still in recovery mode from that event. I’m a woman, we don’t just let go of heart break as fast as men.

 

But anyways in the meantime, things have been happening. With being unable to read the Bible due to boredom, I came up with an idea around December. I now have a ministry of puzzles (what I’m calling it). What it includes is puzzles designed around the Sunday school lessons. Because I give them a week out in advance, it causes the recipient to search the scriptures and study the lesson to fill out the puzzle. That helps them and it helps me due to the fact, I have to read to even create the puzzle. I may set up a separate behance account for posting puzzles that can be saved and printed. Don’t quote me on this.

 

On top of that, I was put into a newly formed auxiliary in the church. It comes together for state meetings all across the jurisdiction (which is literally up and down not across the state). It’s called the Business Women Professional Federation. Everyone else in the group are either business owners or in the high ranks of the companies they are working at. I met with the president of the group yesterday and shared with her about the Sunday school puzzles I’ve been doing. Because the desire to make games is back, I also shared those desires with her. She then referenced me over to the president over the children.

 

Church of God in Christ has a children’s auxiliary called “sunshine band”. Then they have an auxiliary called “Purity / Puritans” which consists of the teenagers. Besides those two, they have a Youth department and a Young Persons auxiliary. So they have all this “outreach” for the youth. It’s confusing with who goes where based on age group due to me being an outsider and I’m not heavily involved in COGIC. BUT because I shared these with my president, she directed me over to the Sunshine Band and Puritan department president. Now here I am, talking to this leader about ways to help the children and the teenagers get into the bible and enjoy it. I’m sorry but now a days, especially my generation of mid twenties and younger, it’s boring to read the Word. I have a love for it now but it’s still boring. I’ve been trying to find ways to focus and dig based on this topic or that topic, but nothing has stood out or have stuck. These puzzles help me a lot with my reading. Because I understand all this struggle of reading straight out of the Word, I have the insight that their president does not have. So I’ve indirectly been drafted into a job that includes making games for the youth to become active in the Word. To make it interesting and entertaining to them so they don’t fall asleep while reading. So they don’t do anything and everything else when they are supposed to be reading. So it’s not a “chore” to read. There has to be a love and most of the youth today don’t have a love for the Word. I struggled with the love for 6 years.

 

Now it seems like I’m becoming active in the church and the leadership is giving me responsibilities that reach across the whole church. It may just start with Kentucky’s 1st jurisdiction but these are things that can span across the whole christian community. A large outreach. And an outreach vision just flashed through my mind as I was typing about this. It’s extremely great and as of right now, working for that will take up a lot of energy. Just give me the little jigsaw puzzle piece that fits into the corner, I don’t need to see the whole picture right now lol. Anyways this is just an update and a hello. Yes I do plan on picking the story back up but I am not sure when.

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Clean Up

•January 1, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I go through time to time and delete everything I no longer want. That goes from posts to design work to saved stuff. Deleted off a few posts and left a few. Left all of the story in case I ever go back to it. It gave me an insight to how bad I was years ago. THATS why I deleted them. They the past and show how crazy I was, crazy and calling myself a child of God. Giving him a bad name. Nope. Gone. Time to let go and clean up. Time to improve.

Last Day Change

•January 1, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Last day of 2015 I was told I was no one special. When I was by myself and able to think of what was said, I responded to myself and the prince of the air, that I was a child of God.

If that was said on the last day of 2014, I would have walked away and agreed to that statement. I would have let that bring me down even more than where I was at already.

That’s a change right there.

When I drove home I went back to that comment and said I’m a child of God’s and that makes me special. A third time I’m back at this comment. A third time I’m saying I’m God’s child.

Being God’s child is a big role and it comes with great responsibility. He is the king of kings, lord of lords, lord of hosts. Looked up “lord of hosts” one time and it said lord of armies. He’s a king with an innumerable army and I’m his child. Being his child means your a prince or princess over a large army. Joint heirs with Christ. That’s why he said he gives us power to tread upon serpents, scorpions, and over all the powers of the enemy and nothing by any means should hurt us. Our King for a father gives us strength to war against principalities in heavenly places with his heavenly soldiers. You know those beings we call Angels. He also said we had power to pull down strongholds and every high thing that lifts itself up against the knowledge of God. Meaning, everything the enemy saying is mute compared to what God has said. Greatly, his Word said the battle is his.

Back in Old Testament days, Kings went to war with their troops. Our king will fight for us. The one who spoke everything into existence fights for you and for me. He died so we could see another day, so we could have another opportunity to come before him and give back to him. Another chance to tell him thank you. Another chance to sing to him, to worship him, to talk to him. Isn’t that the least we could do for someone who has given us everything? For someone who fights for us and keeps us daily?

He asks for so little and what he does ask, a majority of us gets mad at him for asking. Let 2016 be a year of growth out of immaturity and a growth in your relationship with God. It takes 2 for a relationship and he’s doing his part, let us do ours.

2015 to 2016

•December 30, 2015 • Leave a Comment

OK I’m seeing change from last year. Of some change I can sometimes hear God when he speaks. Last year I was frustrated because I desired to hear him and I had this “ideal” of what it would be like, how it was supposed to go and I wasn’t able to hear because the way he spoke was outside of my “box”. Somewhere between last year and this year I started to hear him but it took a great fall. I was so far up in the air on the mountain top and he was in the valley being the lily of the valley. So he brought me down to where he was, where I could hear him.

Also last year I was frustrated because I “saw” that I was unable to sense him. I thought I was unable to sense him and I wanted to. Again I had this imagination of what it should be like and what actually goes on is no where near what I had imagined. Again, another fall. I fell out of that imagination and everything else that caused the frustration.

God uses every fall of mine to bring about a change – to bring about a maturity in him. He said a just man falls 7 times but gets back up again. He also said that what was meant for evil, He turns around for good. Every evil that has taken place in my falls have opened my eyes to see the glory and change of God in my life.

He’s kept me when I believed I shouldn’t have been kept. He stayed with me when I questioned why. I told him I had done this that and everything else as if he didn’t already know. Yet he still loved me and still wanted me. His expected end for me is so much greater than what my imagination can fathom and it (my end) pleases Him. I do know that much. Don’t believe me when I say I don’t see a change. I have moments when I do and those moments are forgotten when I say I don’t. But yes I’m able to see a change in my life from last year to this year.

Another big change is that I have emotion other than anger and depression. You would think a depressed person would cry a lot but I was unable to cry. Now I can. I can cry when others are hurt. I can cry when I’m hurt. I can cry tears of joy and tears of laughter. I’m bothered to see others suffering. I actually care about people. 2 years in the making and now I’m more human and less robot. Change.

Beginning of August

•August 11, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Ok it’s been a long while since a post about any updates on the story. It’s really taken the past 2 months to pull out of a very strong heartbreak and depression. This is just an update kind of post and I don’t know if I want to finish the 30 days of rejection. I may breeze right through it just to get it over with because what happens next is a different world worth of emotions and thoughts.

 

I’m writing now to talk about what happened these past couple of weeks. For one, a bishop friend of mine was in Texas and he posted that he was losing 50 lbs. I wrote on his Facebook post and said “take 50 of mine too” or something like that. A week later or so, someone random messaged me and gave me his number to call him. He said he was looking for a designer to do church work. So I called and we talked over the phone. On it, he said he saw a comment I made on Bishop’s post and he went looking on my page and saw some of my work. He asked me what I did and I told him for churches I mainly do flyers. After that he spoke about how he was praying for a person who could do all of the church designs that came through his shop and that he owns a print shop. The great thing was the fact he didn’t expect me to move to his location or travel there for meetings, he wanted me to stay in my area. He said it was a blessing he came across me and I was an answer to his prayers. I wanted a church graphic job like this but never really actually prayed on it. Maybe spent a few, very few prayers for this kind of job so I was ecstatic to hear about this one. So technically now I have two jobs, one is a day-to-day job and the other is work on demand. There’s an email set up specifically for me, I have a business card design already with the company and a bio card – never heard of it before. It will be extra “play money” that I will also be paying tithes on. Don’t worry; play money is still tithe money. When taxes come, it counts as self-employed work.

 

All of this happens the week of going to Dayton Ohio. The day I meet this new boss of mine, I was asked to do a flyer for the pastor in Dayton. What’s great is that the boss is also a preacher so he understands some things a non-preacher wouldn’t. So I work on this flyer and within my first attempt I get it right and it’s passed on for a few days of advertising on Facebook. We left Thursday morning and the trip there was horrible. Due to leaving late, not having clear communication, and gas stations, it took us 7 hours to make a 4-hour trip. We hit Cincinnati rush hour traffic. I don’t even know why it’s called rush hour when all the traffic comes together on one road and jams the road to a complete stop.

 

There was a gas station stop right around the corner from the last person’s house that was not told to me. So I passed everyone and had to pull over and wait on both of them. The next gas station trip, the other 2 vehicles made the light and I didn’t because of other people not using their turn signals. If they did I could have went and made the light. The hurt emotions I was going through because the rest of my traveling company did not wait for me was still bothering me days later. Then I got yelled at and that hurt me even more. I turned off where I shouldn’t have after I was given directions. Learned to not listen to back seat drivers. There was confusion in that and I suffered the consequence of it. And yes the construction traffic jam and the rush hour traffic jam and construction during rush hour in the city. Horrible. Plus it was heavy rain that day for about half the trip.

 

Though I was having a bad day, the service went great for everyone else. I knew when I was being talked to during the message, some of the people were healed and everyone else was happy. The next day something happened and I shut down miserable for the whole message. I wasn’t even there mentally and more people were healed. Then we find out that the pastor of that church told his people that mine would be there Sunday so he was roped into another service. He didn’t mind and I didn’t mind staying either. My heart sank when he asked my back seat driver if he would stay. I was looking at being able to stretch out and lay in the back seat but with the extra person, I couldn’t. Plus they had their son with them so it was cramped in the back seat and it hurt my knees coming back. I needed to be able to stretch out and I couldn’t.

 

Anyways, Saturday we went to Muncie Indiana to give honor to the Bishop in celebrating both his birthday and 18 years of ministry. It was great and I was surprised I enjoyed some of the food. There was confusion that day too but it wasn’t as bad. I wasn’t driving so it wasn’t that bad lol. Friday night I was told to keep on the banquet clothes and it would be a straight shot from one service to the next. So I thought that meant to put on banquet clothes before we even get there. My roommate that I didn’t plan on having in the beginning ended up calling and was given confirmation. My roommate was great and I would love to room with her again. She is someone I can open up to like the one I have been hurt over for the past 8 months. Lunch was my first time to waffle house and it’s my new favorite restaurant. So we went and the group split at the banquet. Everyone went home except for me, pastor, 1st lady and the extra two that didn’t go to the banquet.

 

Back in Dayton, the preacher talked mine into coming to service at another church. They are in a 100 day revival and this is the service I was planning on being in. So I went too. While there, he asked the revival preacher if he had someone to speak Sunday night and he said no. He volunteered my pastor without asking. That held us in Dayton until Monday morning.

 

During all this, we went to a place called Scene 75 and it had a bunch of games, mini golf, bounce houses, bumper cars, and everything you would want to have fun. I was depressed so none of it excited me. Still hurt by being abandoned on the road and yelled at. Still hurt by losing that person in my life. At the “arcade” place, I was hungry. But I wasn’t $10 hungry. So we talked with the driver of the van and she was counting up costs and the preacher who was showing us around was naming some places off. My eyes lit up when he mentioned Chinese buffet and I told the van driver I would help pay for their meal. I said that in front of the preacher and he said I was being a blessing. We went to lunch and the bill was so small, he ended up blessing all of us and paying for all of us. Take note of this – free lunch Friday.

 

After service Friday we ate at Denny’s because it’s open all the time and it’s the only place everyone knows that will seat a large crowd of almost 20 something people. I mean seat together in 1 big table. The waitress took everyone’s drink order and she was the only one on the floor so it wasn’t just us she was waiting on. When she came back she said she would get the children first but she didn’t do all the children’s orders and then come back for the adults. She got everyone’s order and skipped me but I waited, hoping she would come back. Sadly she never did come back to take my order and I was really starting to sink into a sadness because she forgot me. An elder at my church spoke up and the girl took my order. By that point I had forgotten what I really wanted to have. I didn’t fuss at her, didn’t complain and didn’t give her any lip for forgetting me. Was in such a state I had no energy or strength to do anything other than cry. But out of that, I got my meal free. It turned into Free Food Friday. Both lunch and dinner was free. Saturday at the banquet, the ticket price was $20 but the lady only charged me $15.

 

I took only two $5 bills with me. Yet, I was in many services and somewhere I picked up extra, because I put at least 1 in each offering to my pastor. I’m like “I know I came with such and such amount and my offering is showing I am giving more than what I brought. How?” Still don’t understand where I got all of them $5 bills. It wasn’t from free food Friday because I was going to pay with them on card, not cash. God will make money stretch, that is for sure. He said last year he would bless us to do more with less and this was a prime example. I thought it was for last year’s timing but apparently not.

 

Sunday was better all day because I had talked to my leader about something that I had been wondering about. It really hurt and really lead to a lot of hurtful thoughts that just kept me down. When he reassured me I was not in that state, it left me with some peace. I wasn’t doubting anymore, I wasn’t scared anymore, I had reassurance that wasn’t there for months. I had ground to stand on which made the whole day better. And this is just the beginning of August. And Sunday night, there was more healing in the night service.

30 Days of Rejection – Day 10

•July 9, 2015 • Leave a Comment

At work she began to notice the coworker isolating her. A shorter man who wore glasses and was minutely slow in his thinking came around to talk to her, or at least he tried. “He’s not full fledged slow in the head but just enough to notice something isn’t right and that he’s not normal”. She tried to think positively and tried to not call him retarded though it was difficult.

 

“You have no right to think of him like that because you have the same spirit in you. Remember the shut in before you ‘got saved’? That Wednesday night your precious mother said she saw it. It was really late, around midnight or later and she was frustrated with you because of us. Suddenly she could see your face twist and you looked like you were handicapped retarded. On top of that, she looked away and saw that oldness in you. She couldn’t see ‘you’ at all because they were being shown to her. Remember that conversation? What did she say to your leader about it? ‘I have a deeper compassion for her now’ was it? Where did THAT go?”

 

Jesus! Where did it go? She said she had compassion on me but where did it go? In the fleshly mind she thought these things but the thought did not echo out of the core’s mouth. The face she portrayed towards being reminded of that night was of nothingness; a blank stare. Her eyes blinked from time to time but no tear was shed, she wasn’t upset or hurt by being reminded of that night.

 

“I shouldn’t get angry but I am. Why? Why am I angry about being isolated? She gets to talk to her friends as they come around but I can’t even talk to this man for twenty seconds before she runs him off. It’s not fair and its not just him. I’m doing well on speed now so why can’t I talk to people as they pass? Why is she doing this to me? I want to complain to someone who will listen, this is a problem. It wouldn’t be if my heart was hard and I didn’t care. But now I’m growing the more sensitive so it’s a big problem.”

 

“That’s your response? Nothing to what I just said?” Rejection looked confused by her vocal response as well as her visual response.

 

“I don’t have time for you. Anger is being fed and I don’t know why. He has my attention, not you. I’m even feeling it, it’s not just my fleshly body that is angry but ‘me’ the center core is even getting angry. Isolation doesn’t come around to talk to me often and I praise God for it. My fear is loneliness showing up because of this. In all actuality, he should be here with you but he isn’t. Again, I praise God for it. Now go and leave me alone”. She waved her hand to move rejection out of her line of sight when she told him to go. Like a whipped dog he walked back towards the heart, getting ready to start beating on it again.

 

“Wait.” Control walked into the vicinity and motioned for rejection to stop. “Let Deception talk to her for a bit. She feels relieved; she thinks that you have grown weaker concerning her adopted mother so just wait. I want him to lie to her to see if she will fall for it like she did in January. If we can pull her out of prayer again, we will have a stronger hold on her”.

 

On her lunch break she called her pastor and fussed to him about what was going on. He told her it was just a test and she was not happy to hear it. She regretted calling him because he had that soft answer all the time, even with what he was saying. His answer might not had been soft but the tone of voice was and it just drained her of all anger, frustration, and rage. That trio had no power when talking to him and when she wanted to be angry she couldn’t. She didn’t want an answer, she didn’t want to hear that from him, she just wanted to fuss and feel better about fussing. When it came to go home in the morning, she didn’t know what to pray about. Due to the sense of the rejection lifting, she had nothing to pray about.

 

I’ve cried my tears over my biological parents rejecting me. It doesn’t hurt that they gave me up. I’m angry about it but it doesn’t hurt and it doesn’t cause me to cry. Peer rejection is not an issue. Rarely did I ever get hurt because no one wanted me…I don’t think I ever got hurt because of the kids not wanting me around. By that time it was just a normal way of life. I’m going to continue to reject myself and it doesn’t even hurt or bother me that I do it. I refuse to accept myself until I’m healed from diabetes. What do I pray about? The only actual rejection that hurts and is troublesome is from hers and that lifted. What do I do?” Inching closer and closer to the set prayer time, the child could not think of anything to pray about. For the past 9 days she was set to pray over the rejection from the ordained one and at that one moment, it wasn’t an issue.

 

“God I thank you for January because this happened to me once before. I felt like I didn’t need to pray over deliverance or the baptism because you said it was going to happen. I stopped praying and I thank you for that experience. It’s the same feeling as now and I recognize this because of that. Yes I feel like I don’t have anything to pray about and that her rejection has lifted but I’m going to pray anyways. I thank you because if I didn’t have that first experience, I would be listening to this feeling and walking in disobedience. It’s my set of three days that I set aside for the spirit; it’s my third day to be exact. Thank you Jesus. Father in Jesus name I ask that you deliver me from parental rejection. I ask that you deliver me from any peer rejection and I ask that you deliver me from Elizabeth’s rejection. Hallelujah! I thank you for setting me free; I praise you for the deliverance. In Jesus name I declare and decree I will be delivered from rejection after this month. I declare that I will pass this trial and that spirit will go in Jesus mighty name. I shall not hurt from this spirit anymore and I thank you Father. Lord you said you would never leave me nor forsake me. You said that you would not forget me; that my mother may forget me but you wouldn’t because you carved me in your hand. Jesus you said before I was formed in my mother’s womb you knew me. You said you adopted me and I can cry Abba Father. There is even the scripture that says I have the spirit of Adoption now. If my parents forsake me then you would be there to take me. My adopted mother that I care for so much has forsaken me just like my birth parents. By your word, you are there for me; to take me. Thank you. Just so I cover everything, I even ask to be healed from any and all sexual rejection.” Tears formed in her eyes when she mentioned sexual rejection. All the men she had slept with had one thing in common; they took from her but did not give her any kind of pleasure. All of them had rejected the very notion of giving back and she felt rejected from it. Like any normal woman, she felt like there was something wrong with her because they refused to give back. She was used to being used but this was different; a different league in its own right. “In Jesus name I pray, amen.“

 

Later the ordained one called and the two talked. The core was happy to hear her voice, happy to talk to her up until she touched on feeling like there was no sense in needing to pray over rejection.

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because it feels like it broke, that I gained freedom in this area”.

 

“See that’s why you need deliverance. You’re quick to think that something broke, that something lifted but it isn’t so. Just because you got temporary relief doesn’t mean that spirit has gone anywhere. These spirits have you so bound and have your mind so far out there, its worse than what I thought it was. I just know you need to keep pushing”

 

“Ok”.

 

“I’m going to call tomorrow so we can talk about some other things. Give me your weekly report then.”

 

“Ok.” Her countenance fell as the conversation continued. Afterwards, the core went to sleep to dream about the ordained one being nicer. Tried as she might, she rarely was able to get a “nicer ordained one” in a dream. What shocked her was that she called on a Friday. It was day eleven and a Friday and it was a nice surprise up to the point of the rebuke.

Thirty Days of Rejection – Days 8 – 9

•July 3, 2015 • Leave a Comment

When rejection wasn’t talking, obsession was. Here and there another one showed up – idolatry. He just walked past, smiled and asked, “Remember me? Yeah, I’m still here.” Together, the three invaded her dreams during the second week. On day eight, the day before the core set aside the next round of focused prayers, a new dream formed. Slumber came back to do his job, which was putting her asleep. This dream was different; it wasn’t a church setting. A few blocks down from Senior’s church lived one of his most faithful members of who was related to her pastor. Directions were easy – first street on the left past the church, turn left, go down the street until you hit his and turn right. His house was the one with the white van that happened to be the first out of the cul-de-sac loop.

 

The driveway was off to the side of the house, there was a sidewalk from the driveway to the door and two stone steps up to the screen door. Behind the screen was a typical wooden door. Right behind the door, on the inside of the house, was a love seat. Past the love seat was the bathroom and a hallway formed from there. The core never went into the hallway but she knew off to the left, behind the walls, were the bedrooms. Just as the hallway went to the left, there was space for a wall on the right. If there was another room like a closet, it was unknown to her for she never went that deep into the house. In front of the wall was a couch and the living room tapered off into the kitchen and dining area. Before the rooms melded together, there was another chair in the living room that rested next to the entrance into the dining area. The only part that mattered in the dream was the large table, the crowded chairs in the small space, and the computer in the corner next to the table. She didn’t see much of the kitchen in real life which didn’t matter for her dream life.

 

This family member of Pastor’s happened to be quite a bit taller, a little huskier, and about 50 shades darker. It truly showed how light skinned her pastor was when he stood around his cousin. As a teenager she had seen mixed children and wondered what their child would look like. She watched as the mixed kids would hang around with the black kids in Mississippi and she wondered when they hooked up, what their children would look like. Her pastor was the prime example of what happened. Enough white in the child to rob them of a dark black skin tone and enough black in them to have the physical features. His hair was a black man’s hair and his nose was a black man’s nose. He had black man’s eyes as far as color was concerned. Compared to his taller cousin, however, he was borderline white. The ones who were closely intimate, such as family and close friends, all had a nickname for him when they wanted to be mean in a joking manner.

 

In the dream, elder Michael was sitting in the corner chair in the dining area. He was on the computer when the core walked into the room. She sat down and they had talked about some things when the ordained one walked in. Delighted that her mother was there, her tone of voice elevated to another octave as she continued to talk. Quickly into the rest of the conversation with him, the ordained one spoke and completely shut down the core. She was frustrated that she was there. Even though the core did not come to see her but him, she was still frustrated at her presence in the house. The core was sitting at the end with her back towards the kitchen, and the ordained one sat down to her right side with her back towards the window. It was like a flashback since they were in that seating scenario once before. They all sat, talked, and laughed until things shifted. Her mother started writing notes down as she talked to the elder. When the core looked at her mom, she said to keep talking to him because as they were talking she was hearing from God. This dream was almost exactly like that, minus her writing notes down because of hearing from God.

 

Being fussed at, the Core turned to look into the living room. She had just shifted into a hallucination. Knowing that the ordained one was on her left, sitting at the dining table, she still saw her on the couch. This hallucination did not completely consume her; it was just enough to get away from the fussing. On the couch, the fake ordained one beckoned for the core to come and sit next to her. She answered by getting up and sitting on the couch. What she did not know was that the elder was able to see everything she could see. He had a confused look on his face when he saw two of the same woman.

 

“Devil is a lie” was his response. He turned to the real one and said “Shhh, there’s two of you. I’m seeing what she see’s and she see’s you on the couch.”

 

“But I’m right here.” Her hands partially went up and she shrugged her shoulders signifying her confusion as well. She motioned to stand up and elder put his hand up like a traffic cop does when he motions to stay. With that, she sat back down and waited as he continued to watch.

 

Lie your head down on my lap. That’s what I hear from the Lord. He’s saying that you’re hurting so much from your childhood. Don’t question, just lie your head down on my lap.” Without question, the core obeyed and lied her head down but propped it up with her hands. To an outsider, it looked like she was lying down and her hands were a pillow.

 

“Now I understand what he meant when I asked him why he put his hands underneath his head when he laid it in my lap.”

 

He who?” The hallucination version of the ordained one sounded confused. “His” name was spoken and the core spoke on who this man was. She spoke on how he was a part of her past and spoke more on him. There were things that went on with him that she had rather forgotten.

 

After a while, the core became uncomfortable so she sat up, moved to sitting on the floor and leaned her head backwards as if leaning it on the ordained one’s knees. She wanted to keep the comfort going from the halfway hallucination. The moment she changed positions was the moment the fake one changed and elder Michael could now hear what was being spoken.

 

“Audri why are you still in this state? You know what you need to do and you won’t do it. Why are you still so disobedient? I keep telling you that you should be further than this. You should at least have a steady prayer life but you don’t. Want to know how I know? I know because of how you are right now, you’re lazy and you won’t do what’s right. How many times do I have to keep telling you to change? I’ve told you that you don’t want it; that you just lie about wanting it. I shouldn’t have to keep fussing at you to get it right. What do you have against doing the right things? You even know that I’m a hallucination and the real me is over there behind that wall and your still talking to me. Why? Why are you allowing the devil talk to you like he is?” The core shut down.

 

Elder Michael just laughed. “Sis Elizabeth she knows you good. As soon as my ears opened up to hear what she hears…the fake you sounds exactly like the real you.” He started to relate to the ordained one what the hallucination was speaking. The dream ended and the core woke back up to her surroundings. She was cold and she wanted to scream but could not. Despite being a dream, elder was right. A year and three months is a long time to be spending with someone. It was a long time to learn her way of speaking, her way of thinking, and her vocabulary. Many times she had asked the core “why do you let the devil talk to you?” Every time she was asked, the core wanted to respond but didn’t.

 

“I let him because at least he does talk to me. Mom you’re not around all the time to talk to me. You’re not around at all now and he is. I don’t have you to talk to, I can’t hear from God to talk to him and it feels like I’m talking to empty air. No one else will spend a lot of time on the phone with me so what else am I supposed to do? Even though its with tormenting thoughts and lies, at least he talks to me. At least sometimes I get to think about how I want our relationship to be and yes I know you too well to even warp you into a nicer person. I can’t even have a nice dream where you are nice to me. Should really stop calling you mom, you made it clear that you don’t want to be my mother. You lied to God when you said you would step in the place of being one. It’s been made clear that you have no intention of ever being a mother or ever seeking him to help you be one to me.”

 

After hearing the conversation between the hallucination and the core, the ordained one stood up from her seat in the dining area and walked over to the living room. The core moved for her loved one to sit down and she sat down exactly where the fake one was. There was silence for a moment and the ordained one told the core to lay her head back down, right on her knees, just like she was before she sat. Instantly the core shifted. She freaked out and her body twisted into that like a demon. Her torso was close to the floor, her neck grew in length so she could look up, and her arms shortened. The legs bent like a cricket as much as was humanly possible. She hollered, shouted, and hissed. Going through her mind was the second time she was truly rejected by the ordained one. That one part in the phone call where she said she would never hang out with her again just kept ringing in her ears. The fact the core was over at her dwelling place, and the two were hanging out, was against her word. Time and time again the ordained one told the core that she never said what she did not mean. If she said something, even in anger, she meant it.

 

The alarm went off to wake up her body for work. On the way to work she cried out bitterly to the Lord. “God I’m frustrated about how I’m so obsessed with her. Please help me, deliver me. I want to be able to pray over something and someone other than her. I hate this. I’m tired of the hurt, I’m tired of the pain, and I’m tired of being obsessed with her. Please explain to me why I love her so much. Why did you put a love for her in my heart when you knew she was going to reject me? I didn’t love her in the beginning so why now? Deliver me I beg in Jesus name. Even take this love for her from me. I ask that you take it out of my heart. She’s rejected me, she doesn’t love me, she doesn’t want me, and I still desire her. It’s clear she’ll never be my mother and because of idolatry I’m still chasing her. Father I understand “love covers a multitude of sin”. After all that she treats me, after her rejecting me, I forgive her and I want her to accept me. Help me to let her go. Father please help. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.” There was a peace that she hadn’t felt for a while. It was as if something had lifted and the core was able to go to work, not weighed down like usual.